A Break…

Hello all,

Due to the job and catching up on certifications, I won’t be posting very much over the next couple of weeks.  Instead, I thought it would be a change of pace to repost some old, sometimes relevant posts from years and blogs gone past.

This week, The Tale of the Trids.


On an island in the South Pacific, there lived a tribe of natives called the Trids.  They are a peaceful people, although, well, vertically challenged.  But their island had everything that they could want or need.  It was Paradise….except for the giant.

The giant lived on a mountain on one end of the island.  Every now & then, usually once every couple of months, the giant would come down from the mountain into the village of the Trids and kick them around.  No deaths, no broken bones, just lots of bruises.  Only the very young and the very old were spared the wrath of the giant.

One day, a cargo ship was passing by the island, and stopped for supplies.  On the ship was a Rabbi looking for a place to live for a while.  He saw the island as a sanctuary, a place to relax while he sorted out the problems of life in general.  The Trids welcomed the Rabbi as their guest, but they did warn him about the giant.  He promised that he would do his best to help save them from the giant.

The cargo ship sailed away with the captain promising to return for the Rabbi in four months.  And for about six weeks, everything was as if the Rabbi was in the Garden of Eden.  Then the giant came down off his mountain.

The Trids heard the giant coming, and ran screaming through the village for everyone to run and hide.  The Rabbi heard this commotion, and went to the front of the village to confront the giant.

And he saw the giant coming down the path from the mountain.  And he was huge!!  The Rabbi’s confidence was fading with every step the giant took toward the village.  Finally, the giant reached the village and stopped in front of the Rabbi. 

The giant looked down on the Rabbi and started to chuckle a low, rumbling, bemused type of chuckle.  With every passing second, the Rabbi’s knees began to shake.  The giant saw this, and chuckled louder.

Finally, the Rabbi couldn’t take it anymore.  He looked up at the giant and shouted, “You’re not going to kick the Trids around unless you start with me first!!  Well, get on with it!!  Start kicking!!”

The giant let out the loudest chuckling laugh ever heard, shaking the very ground and echoing through the land.  The giant leaned down and looked the Rabbi in the eye.  The Rabbi thought he was a goner as the giant fixed him with a penetrating gaze with his yellow eyes.

Still chuckling, the giant said, “Silly Rabbi.  Kicks are for Trids…”

When Common Sense Leaves…

Saw this post & thought it should be shared.  Think of the Pop-Tart Gun incident, and you’ll understand…


Area Student Arrested For Making A “Tornado in a Bottle”

By Patrick Kane

tornado

Tuesday afternoon, a local elementary school student, Peter Collins, was arrested for bringing a “tornado in a bottle” to school for the annual Denysin Elementary science fair. Authorities were alerted after it was reported that a student had what appeared to be an “atmospheric weapon of destruction” on school grounds.

The school was quickly evacuated, as the Denver bomb squad was called in to deal with collecting and neutralizing Collins’ second grade science fair project. Teachers close to Collins noted that Collins was a, “stellar student’ and they were, “shocked learn someone like that could be capable of doing something so dangerous”. One witness remarked that Collins’ project looked,  “normal” until Collins shook it up to reveal its true “sinister and offensive form”.

According to Collins’ parents, the project was nothing more than water mixed with dish soap and blue dye that creates a, “tornado like spiral” when shaken. However, many area parents are not so convinced of the project’s innocent nature.

Mother of a student in Peter Collins’ class, Angela Surname, told reporters that she, “didn’t know how plans for such diabolical technology could get into the hands of children” and that she and all of her book club agree that the internet and, “whichever top-forty musician that wears the most black” are to blame.

Many parents have demanded the school district take, “immediate disciplinary action” against Collins. Several students in Collins’ class have reportedly told the school’s administration that they are, “too distraught “ by the the incident to do homework or participate in class.

These complaints by students have resulted in many parents demanding that free after school counseling be offered to any students in the district who were, “disturbed by Collins’ science fair project”.

Denysin Elementary School Principal, Dan Johnson noted that the school has a strict, “zero tolerance policy on any and all atmospheric simulations” since the infamous 2003 incident involving a baking soda volcano in which two students’ shoes and pants were temporarily stained.

Principal Johnson told reporters that seven year old Collins will be charged with, “possession and discharge of a weapon on school grounds, discharging a destructive device, and child abuse” all of which carry a minimum of ten years prison time.

When asked about the severity of Collins’ punishment, Principal Johnson told reporters, “We don’t allow toy guns in our schools, why should we allow a replication of something more destructive than a gun”.

When parents of Denysin Elementary students were asked about the severity of Collins’ punishment, many believed that the actions taken against Collins were, “perfectly reasonable”. “What if next time a student brings a real tornado to school? We have to show the bad seeds that there are serious consequences for their actions” remarked local mother and elbow pad enthusias, Coleen McClusky.

Many parents of students in Collins’ class have spoken out for Collins to be, “expelled and banished” from the school and state respectively. Those parents then told reporters that were their children to be in Collins situation, they were, “ninety percent sure (they) would still feel the same way”.

Collins is currently being held in San Morrison federal prison without bail, and will see a judge sometime in between, “next Tuesday and his eighth grade graduation”.

UPDATE: After being thrown out by three separate local judges, Denysin Elementary School Principal is pursuing the possibility of trying young Peter Collins in a military tribunal for, “Conspiracy and Terrorism”.


We’re headed toward mass stupidity, and our schools are leading the way.

Retirement(?)

Sometimes, one just needs to sit back & take a break from the insanity that the world constantly barrages us with. 

The following showed up on my private Facebook account, and I just had to share.  I can see doing some of this after I retire….but not all…

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’  Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’  One of the Staff passed out.

The $50 Lesson

This was too good to let languish in my Twitter feed (originally from Cheezburger.com)


Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.  During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.  She said she wanted to be President some day. 

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”  She replied…

“I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”  Her parents beamed with pride!

“Wow…what a worthy goal!” I said.  “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that.”

“What do you mean?” she replied.  So I told her…

“You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull the weeds, and trim my hedge, and I’ll pay you $50.  Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought about that for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me any more…


All of us working stiffs get it, the girl in the above story gets it.  Why don’t the Liberals get it?

Golf Stories–Walking Through the Weeds

We all need to sit back & relax once in a while.  It puts perspective, real perspective, on this journey we call life.

But I do wonder why the Olympics doesn’t include golf.  After all, there are a bunch of professional athletes running around playing basketball, tennis, and God knows what else.  Too bad the amateurs are pretty well locked out of those competitions…

Enough commentary – on to the story!


While living and working in Indianapolis, I belonged to a work golf league that played at the Brownsburg Golf Club every Thursday night.  Our competition was friendly, but we all were as serious as we could be.  But we did have fun, at least most of the time.

For most of the season, I was leading the league. On week 10 of a 16-week season, I found myself in sole possession of first place, with only a few percentage points separating me from second place. At least, until Week 11, when the wheels came off…

Hole #7 will always be remembered for both the good and the bad experiences.  A par 3, 145-yard hole didn’t seem like much with a huge green, but it was surrounded by sand and trees on three sides, and long grass in the front.  Left, right, or long, you were playing from the beach.  Short of the green, and you needed a weed-whacker just to find the ball.  The green was sloped back to front, which meant that you really needed to put the ball below the hole.  The usual Thursday hole location was right smack in the middle.  Last, it had an elevated tee box.

I was struggling that round, but holding in there, barely ahead of my competition for the night.  I lost honors on the previous hole, and was teeing off last.  Everyone else had landed their balls on the green, reasonably safe, but a long way from the hole.  Then I stepped up to hit, eyed the ball and the green, wound up and just starting on the downswing…

…a chipmunk popped up out of his hole from the side of the tee box, ran full speed across the tee box three feet in front of me, and (presumably) disappeared down another hole on the other side of the tee box!!!

I caught sight of the little bugger out of the corner of my eye midway through the downswing, and of course, was startled by the flash of brown as he streaked right in front of me.  Totally rattled, not knowing what I had really seen, I promptly lost control of the swing.

Blading the ball is never good, and the bottom edge of the 8-iron caught the ball just above the middle of the ball, giving it an over-spin.  The ball took off, bounding off the front of the tee box once, hitting a sprinkler cover.  The ball shot up into the air, making a nice arc as it disappeared into the tall, tall grass halfway to the hole.  I’m standing there absolutely befuddled as my partners laughed their asses off behind me.

It took me two strokes to get out of the grass, with the second swing (stroke 3) landing the ball in the back bunker.  A chip rolled the ball past the hole almost to the front of the green.  Two putts coming back ended the misery…a 6 on a par 3…AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!  Steaming mad

Needless to say, I lost that match, and everyone had a pretty good laugh in the bar that night.  Looking back at it, I had to laugh too, but only after we all got off the course. 

But that was the beginning of the end…I finished fourth in the league, which isn’t bad considering the harassment I got for the rest of the season.  All someone had to say, “Is that a chipmunk?” and my concentration went to pot.  Bastards…

I miss all of them.