Crudezilla, King of All Spills (1954)

From Iowahawk:

In the dark, storm-tossed Sea of Japan, workers in helmets and jumpsuits wrestle a drilling rig on a lonely oil platform.

NARRATOR
This is the sea. Beneath its depths lies a fantastic secret world hidden to mankind for millions of centuries. And now, armed with the latest technology and rush drilling permits, mankind is about to awaken that world from its long slumber — and unleash its oily fury.

WORKER #1 (saluting, bowing, throwing fist in air)
Most honored supervisor! Reporting drilling shaft ready. For the glory of Nippon Petroleum!

WORKER #2
Sir! Truly this shaft is one bad mother…

SUPERVISOR
Shut your mouth!

WORKER #2 (bowing profusely)
But honorable supervisor! I speak only of shaft!

SUPERVISOR
You men have performed honorably. Tonight there will be extra rations of sake and blowfish! And now as we lower the shaft, let us gather to sing the anthem of Nippon Petroleum Heavy Industries.

WORKERS (singing)
Nippon Petroleum, pride of Japanese nation
Forever we shall strive for greater lubrication.
With stalwart hearts we drill for shareholder good
‘Til up from the depths comes the bubbling crude.
Black gold, Texas tea!

As the worker continue to sing, the spinning diamond-tipped shaft burrows ever lower into the watery depths. When it hits the ocean floor, a mysterious black oily flume is unleashed. Under the intense subsurface pressure the flume begins to coagulate into a hideous 500-foot tall monster — Crudezilla has been awoken.

WORKERS
… quality friction reduction is our sacred motto… Whuh-uhhh?!?!

workers form terrified group hug

WORKER #3 (pointing)
Look! Arising from the surface… a terrible monster!

WORKER #4 (pointing)
Holy Shitake! Run for it!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Panic ensues as Crudezilla lumbers toward the platform, spewing a 1000-foot long stream of flame from its nostrils. Terrified workers are tossed like rag dolls into the sea when Crudezilla grabs the platform and thrashes it to and fro. A surviving worker crawls to the communication room and desperately radios Nippon Petroleum HQ.

WORKER #5
Headquarters! Come in, come in headquarters! Mayday! This is Miyagi Platform Station 2! I repeat – mayday!

RADIO OPERATOR #1
Come in Miyagi!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

RADIO OPERATOR #2
What is that noise, Miyagi? Is it a typhoon?

WORKER #5 (shielding eyes)
No! It… is… Crudezillaaaa! Aiiiieeeee!

Crudezilla topples the platform into the churning sea, and the radio goes dead. The two radio operators exchange terrified looks. Dissolve to the map room of Nippon Petroleum Heavy Industries, buzzing with worried executives.

YAMAMOTO (president of Nippon Petroleum)
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please! Enough of this bickering! Let us focus our attention on stopping Crudezilla before it reaches the mainland!

NAKAMURA
But sir, our best engineers have been working on it around the clock. Everything we try only seems to make Crudezilla more powerful. This monster is invincible!

YAMAMOTO
Where is the creature now?

NAKAMURA
Sir, our radar planes place it 100 kilometers from the coast, bearing straight for Fukushima prefecture.

YAMAMOTO
Gentlemen, we must act now, or we all will be totally Fukushima-ed. Nakamura, bring me the finest engineering mind in all of Japan — the one man who knows how to stop the rise of the oceans and make the earth heal itself.

NAKAMURA
You mean…

YAMAMOTO
Yes. Professor Obamasawa.

dissolve

NARRATOR
This is the teaching laboratory of Baraku Obamasawa, Japan’s greatest living scientist. A world renowned expert with an advanced degree in social engineering from Hokkaido Law School, by the age of 23 he had already written 2 textbooks on the world’s strangest phenomenon — himself. His is a science so advanced that he has already earned a Nobel Prize for work he has yet to begin. Today, he is showing students his latest discovery.

OBAMASAWA
… now note as I apply a blowtorch to this pile of 10 million yen, it is converted to ash — thereby creating jobs for these two janitors from the Nippon Custodian Union.

students applaud wildly

STUDENTS
Domo arigato, sensei! We are very honored to be your students. [giggle] You have given us hope and tingles up our kimonos!

OBAMASAWA
Thank you boys — as a man of science, the honor is all mine. Ah, Mr. Yamamoto, Mr. Nakamura! To what do I owe this pleasure? Donating to to my research fund again?

YAMAMOTO
I am afraid not, professor. We come on a grave matter of the utmost urgency. May I speak to you privately?

OBAMASAWA
Most certainly, Mr. Yamamoto! It is the least I can do for my largest benefactor. Excuse me, students? Students, may I have your attention? Class dismissed — but remember those haiku odes to me are due Monday! Now Yamamoto, what was this emergency you wanted to speak about?

YAMAMOTO
Professor, last evening one of our oil rigs unleashed a hideous gargantuan monster from beneath the sea. If it isn’t stopped in the next 48 hours, it could destroy all of Japan.

OBAMASAWA
Mmm hmm. I see. Go on.

YAMAMOTO
And crush the stock price of Nippon Petroleum.

OBAMASAWA
And so, if I understand this, your point is…

YAMAMOTO
And no more contributions to your research fund.

OBAMASAWA
Oh my God. Mr. Yamamoto, this is indeed the greatest crisis we have ever faced. I will convene an emergency scientific study group and have my recommendations for you, after afternoon golf.

dissolve; back at Nippon Petroleum HQ

YAMAMOTO
Professor, thank you for coming. We are eager to hear your recommendations.

OBAMASAWA (in front of projected map)
Time is of the essence, gentlemen, so allow me to get straight to the point. Crudezilla is here. Japan is here. Crudezilla is moving like this, at a particular speed, toward Japan. So to prevent damage, you must first stop Crudezilla.

NAKAMURA
Yes.

OBAMASAWA
Exactly. Stop Crudezilla.

YAMAMOTO
Yes.

OBAMASAWA
Yes what?

NAKAMURA
Yes, we need to stop Crudezilla.

OBAMASAWA
Yep.

YAMAMOTO
But how?

OBAMASAWA
How what?

YAMAMOTO
How are we suppose to stop Crudezilla? Wasn’t that what you were supposed to tell us?

OBAMASAWA
Look man, I’m a scientist, not some kinda nit-picky details freak. If you wanted that kind of stuff you should have been more specific. Geez, gimme a couple hours and I’ll see if my research assistants can come up with a Plan B.

dissolve; Obamasawa and team on Fukushima beach. A bustling group of photographers and reporters tails Obamasawa as he studiously examines sea shells and washed-up kelp.

NAKAMURA
What the hell is he doing?

YAMAMOTO
Let the man do his work. This genius our only hope.

OBAMASAWA
Crisis averted, gentlemen. As you can see, Plan B came off without a hitch.

YAMAMOTO
Plan B?

OBAMASAWA
Do you remember when the twin wind monsters Katrina and Midea destroyed General Bushido? Science shows that to avoid panic, the public must see their top authorities taking charge of the situation. And that I am carefully scouring the beach for tar rocks and stuff. Luckily, Midea is now a friendly monster, and…

WOMAN REPORTER
Aiieee! Crudezilla!!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Crudezilla storms the beach, stomping oily mudholes of flattened TV reporters.

OBAMASAWA
Run!

*****************

YAMAMOTO
Have you mapped out Plan C, Professor? Crudezilla is stomping toward Mt. Fuji, and Nippon Petroleum is already down 4.74 in heavy trading!

OBAMASAWA
Just putting the final touches on it now. Gentlemen, as we all know, the root cause of Crudezilla is Japan’s unhealthy dependence on fossil fuel. Therefore I have constructed this highly scientific draft legislation to  mandate accelerated depreciation tax credits for green energy technology and hybrid vehicles.

NAKAMURA
Will it save Yokohama?

OBAMASAWA
Guaranteed! Plus it will create or save over 10 million jobs.

dissolve; verdant wind farm at the foot of Mt. Fuji

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Crudezilla flails wildly, knocking over row after row of windmills; stomps solar panels

WOMAN IN CAR
Go faster Hideki! Crudezilla is gaining on us!

MAN IN CAR
I can’t! The new mandatory nationwide speed limit is 55!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

WOMAN IN CAR
Aieeee!

Crudezilla lifts car from road with chopsticks made from trees, devours like sashimi roll

*****************

OBAMASAWA
Okay, okay! Stop rushing me! Geez, give a scientist a little freakin’ time to think here. Umm, okay, how about if we formed a kamikaze attack of movie actors?

NAKAMURA
That was Plan M.

OBAMASAWA
Awareness-raising telethon?

YAMAMOTO
Died in the Nielsen overnights.

OBAMASAWA
Giant rocket skates?

NAKAMURA
Acme Nippon is still working out the bugs.

OBAMASAWA
Have we tried dressing up a high-voltage electric tower as a sexy lady Crudezilla?

YAMAMOTO
Twice. Plan V-Blonde and Plan V-Brunette.

OBAMASAWA
Dammit, it’s time to start thinking out of the scientific box! Wait a minute… wait a minute… why didn’t I think of this before? Gentlemen, I’ve think got it! If we are going to stop Crudezilla, we have to take the direct approach, and meet him head on.

NAKAMURA
Meaning?

OBAMASAWA
Meaning we have to get the Diet in Tokyo to pass comprehensive national monster insurance. Get Speaker Perosi on the telephone. Let us pray Plan F-6 isn’t too late!

Dissolve to skyline of Tokyo, as Crudezilla lumbers through the streets, smashing trains and punching buildings

DIET SPEAKER NANAKO PEROSI
All in favor, say ‘aye’…

DIET
AYE!

PEROSI
By unanimous consent, the ayes have it. Let the voters rejoice that with this 12,000 page bill, Japan is finally free of the threat of giant monst…. AIEEEE!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Crudezilla rips the roof from the capitol and unleashes a huge blast of flame, turning it into a giant hibachi

MAN ON STREET
It is Crudezilla! And he’s eating a Diet rich in protein!

*****************

OBAMASAWA
Gentlemen, I am afraid I have terrible news. My approval ratings are down 12 points. Therefore I have developed the ultimate plan — Plan GKW-17(b). The equipment you’ll need is in this velvet-lined box.

YAMAMOTO
Knives? You expect to stop Crudezilla with knives?

OBAMASAWA
They’re not for him, you moron! They’re for you! I have directed my scientific assistant Eriku Hodero to charge Nippon Petroleum with criminal negligence in the case of Crudezilla v. Japan.

YAMAMOTO
But you said you took full responsibility!

OBAMASAWA
Yes. Full responsibility for making sure you take the honorable way out. You have disgraced your family and nation! And now it is time for you and your entire engineering staff to do your sacred duty!

LITTLE MIU OBAMASAWA
Daddy, did you plug the Crudezilla yet?

OBAMASAWA
No, Miu honey. Not yet. Now please go play in your room, daddy’s friends are busy with ritual seppuku.

YAMAMOTO
Bansai!! Ughh…

Little Miu skips to her room and looks dreamily out her window. Suddenly a giant eye glares into the room — the eye of Crudezilla.

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

LITTLE MIU
Oh, hello! I know you are. You’re Crudezilla. Daddy and his friends have been trying to stop you, but I think they’re wrong. I don’t think you’re a bad monster. You’re just misunderstood.

Little Miu pets Crudezilla on his snout

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH?

LITTLE MIU
If it wasn’t for you, Daddy couldn’t take me and my sister on all those fun jet plane rides and motorcades. That’s why I want to be your friend! Please, Crudezilla, can’t we be friends?

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

OBAMASAWA
What in the world is that noise… Miu! Get away from that window!

LITTLE MIU (standing protectively in front of Crudezilla)
No Daddy! [sobbing] No, no! Please, don’t hurt him! Crudezilla is my best friend! Just because he’s big and oily and breaths fire and stomps people doesn’t make him bad! Oh please Daddy, no!

OBAMASAWA
Holy sushi, Miu — you’re right! You’re absolutely right. And you’ve just given me the best plan yet.

dissolve; press conference with Professor Obamasawa at the podium, between Miu and Crudezilla

OBAMASAWA
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that I have reached a tentative agreement with Mr. Crudezilla to work as peace partners for East Asian regional stability. It is time for us to rise above the tired old politics of who stomped who, and who incinerated what. In his new role as president of Nippon Nationalized Petroleum, Mr. Crudezilla will work tirelessly to insure justice and jobs for Japan’s immigrant monster communities. Questions?

REPORTER
Professor Obamasawa, how do you respond to the latest reports of your ties to corruption in Shikego prefecture?

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

Crudezilla roasts reporter to a crisp

LITTLE MIU
And don’t forget to look for my new Hello Crudie collectibles. Coming to a Sanrio store near you!

CRUDEZILLA
SKREEEOOONCHHH

The End

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About Tom Roland

EE for 25 Years, Two Patents - now a certified PMP. Married twice, burned once. One son with Asperger's Syndrome. Two cats. Conservative leaning to the Right. NRA Life Member.
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One Response to Crudezilla, King of All Spills (1954)

  1. Hey Mr Obama — let’s see some ACTIONS and not just words. But, of course, it’s much EASIER to point fingers and NOT make any decisions. It’s easier to be “concerned” and “monitor the situation.”

    Incompetence.

    BZ

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